Burden

Life they say is full of surprises.

I say I would not have it any other way. And yet, the year that was, takes me back to memories that weren’t surprises. Much the mundane and the routine. A plod, if you will, in the dreary drunken stupor of life. With one unholy exception.

“If he is joking, I shall kill him!”

“Oh God. Let him be joking”.

I struggled to contain the sense of despair. Maybe it was serious but not THAT serious.

“But he was calling from the hospital!”

There was a lot of traffic. It was a Saturday. It was evening. I had to cover maybe 20, may be 30 kilometres. How life around me seemed to be in a bustle. People were out shopping, eating out or going to their friends’. Suddenly I remembered lunch. Restaurant food at a friend’s place.

“What did I eat? How does that matter? I had met two of my classmates. They seemed well. We were all aging. Hopelessly.”

It had been a bright, somewhat warm day for January. But then, Bangalore is like that.

“This infernal traffic.”

At a turn, I saw some traffic guards. They seemed hot in argument with a car driver. I tried to think what time of the month it was. Oh right. It was close to Republic day. Close to the end of the month. I had shopping to do. I remembered someone’s birthday.

“I do not have to buy anything now. There will be no birthday. Oh!”

But my mind was not going to despair. There was hope. Till I got a firm, undeniable confirmation, there was hope.

“I have to make a phone call. I shall make an exception and call on the speaker phone while driving.”

All of a sudden, I felt like going home instead. I did not want to go to the hospital. Home was the safe haven. For some reason, I wanted to curl into bed and go to sleep. It seemed very inviting. I could say, I got a call and had to go home. There was no one at home. It would be a silly excuse. Let’s face it.

“I called 2 people and both seemed unsure. That is a good sign. Unsure means not so bad.”

I passed by my old office building. We had shifted just a week ago. Thank god for that. The first day I joined at the new job 2 months back, the HR lady smiled and said that we were moving. I had felt really worried. Not JP Nagar or some other such faraway, end-of-nowhere. Maybe Whitefield. That is quite bad too. Then she said near EMC. I was pleased. That meant half an hour less on the commute. And on the same way as the office in my earlier job.

“Seat belts? Babies cannot wear seat belts! I had shouted at my sister for not using the car seat. I must call her to check on my nephew....How selfish am I?”

Then I picked up a colleague on the way. She had been waiting for a while because of the traffic. As soon as she got in, I had to ask. So I did.

“Yes. They lost their child.”

I felt my heart sink. I felt my eyes well up. I also felt very, very angry. I wanted to scream. I felt tired and helpless.

At the hospital, I found myself thinking that he had not joked after all. Slowly, things started to unravel. There had been an accident. The father and mother were in ICU. The child had died. We waited. The three of us waited. The colleague who had called from the hospital had seen them before they were moved into the ICU. He gave a report that seemed encouraging.

There is something about hospitals that is strangely reassuring. I cannot help feel hopeful. There was something I did not know, that could be done and is being done. I am sure of it. They will be fine. But there are also the tired worried faces of people waiting like us. There is so much suffering.

The family of the victims arrived. They had been traveling quite a distance. Imagine the anxiety? Mother was in a daze. She was about to see a much battered son in the ICU. But more than that, she had just seen a dead grandchild. I just watched from a distance as she was being led into the hospital. She was weeping and walking slowly. My heart sank again.

“The human state is that of suffering. We try so much to acquire and conquer and obtain. And we should because that is called living. But we should be aware that one stroke of the Almighty is all it takes to change our world forever. Sweet my child, even though I never met you personally, I saw you in the eyes of a dear friend. How you lit them up like a 1000W bulb by a mere mention. How I wish I could have held you at least once and seen you smile. You were but for a little while. I understand. And yet I cannot accept. I cannot accept.”