If you please

The last time I ever visited this greatly sensitive area of a man's life was in 1991 when in Standard VI, Mrs. Jenneth Lyngdoh made us all keep a little book of Dos and Don'ts for gentlemen. And this I am doing purely from one of my readers saying that the last blog entry on Cheap Labour was poor because I chose to glorify and therefore exaggerate on the poor service in Bangalore restaurants a.k.a. 'the affliction of a table spoon on a soup bowl'.

I revisited my good old bible of manners and etiquette. It said something about being humane. Now I forget all the details of Mrs. Lyngdoh's class but I do remember that there really was a lot said on table manners. It was not so much on which fork to use and why we might mistake a steak knife with a fish knife. It was about being comfortable without being a discomfort to others. Yes. That was it. I do remember clearly. Some golden rules that I learnt as a child and I shall so much as suffer you to read:

i. If everyone is eating with the hand, it is bad manners to use cutlery. It might make one seem like a dandy. There is nothing wrong in eating with the hand. That is what hands are for.

ii. Always chew with the mouth closed. Always. There cannot be any other way of chewing. We do not want the person across to see inside the mouth. And take care not to make lapping sounds while eating.

iii. Never bite the spoon. The teeth will click and some people find it rather unnerving.

iv. Elbow on the table. It takes up space so that the person next to you may find it uncomfortable. And then his manners will never allow him to ask you to remove your elbow from the table. (My addition) I personally feel elbows are rather romantic in a candle light dinner where your body posture is suggestive of undivided attention. But then there is no one on your side; only in front.

v. It is bad manners to decide for others. So you should not decide the course(s) at a restaurant without asking everyone. (Tuned to Indian Dining) It is bad manners to take the salad plate, the onions and cucumber served in many places, and squeeze lemon juice or sprinkle salt and pepper on it. There might be people at the table who like onions without lemon juice or salt and pepper.

vi. (I love this one) If the last helping remains, one must always ask if anyone wants it before helping oneself. Likewise, it is good manners to say no when anyone is asking the same. The question is a rhetoric.

vii. (This is my own addition)If you want something, please ask for it. Much rather you do than stifle and believe me when I tell you, the host will notice. I do. I say this from experience.

Now my friends. Having given my twopence on the subject of table manners, I do agree that it is really quite all right to have soup with a table spoon but it is better if one has a soup spoon. And I would like to emphasize for clarity that I expect a soup spoon when I pay 12.5% service tax at a restaurant. That is all I am asking for.

Between the knife and the fork is a battlefield where one must emerge refined. But even as I think of what Mrs. Lyngdoh had taught us little men, I cannot butu help remembering our lesson on book manners and the right way to turn pages. But I shall save that for another retort, someday. Enjoy your dinner!