Tele Tubbies I

One of the greatest things about my family is its immense capability to worry over trivial matters. And that is putting it mildly. The other great capability is to make light of the most pressing of matters and be nonchalantly blissful. It is no wonder that Lala (the third child) grew up to be the greatest hypochondriac I ever did know.

I promised her that I would never write about her great worries. But being the impish elder brother that I am, and having written at length about Po(the 4th child Tele Tubbies), it is time I expand a little on Lala as well.

Long, long ago when Po was yet out of the picture, Tipsy and Lala played "house house". They took mother's shawls and sarees and bed sheets and towels and pinned them all together with many cloth clips, into a tent of some sort. Into that dwelling they took in all their worldly belongings that consisted of two sets of plastic toy dinner sets, two dolls in presentable condition and innumerable others with missing limbs, painted faces, disfigured and discoloured; in short, the remnants of fights, misadventures and inspiration common in the game of "house house" as many will know. And then, while Tipsy and Lala had a domestic feud, Lala fell and hit her head against the sharp edge of a table. Down came the makeshift tent and with it all the inmates.

Mother screamed at the top of her voice and father rushed to the unfortunate site and lifted poor Lala. She would need stitches; three of them. Right at the forehead. This was, in my opinion, the greatest (or atleast one of the greatest) breakthroughs in Lala's life. For henceforth, we would have no peace over sneezes, mosquito bites, bruises, sprains, hair loss, loss of appetite...I could really go on. However, since Lala would not have me suffer her many fits, I shall refrain from mentioning most of them but one when she was 9 years old.

Tipsy and Lala were at it again. "Doctor doctor" this time. They donned mother's aprons and an old stethoscope and played doctor and nurse with their patients who indeed were in a toy hell of their own with lost limbs and disfigured faces now being torn apart and reassembled, much worse off than they were when they entered the OT(ER) of our great family doctors. While turning to get a ball of cotton from Lala, Tipsy accidentally jabbed Lala's ribs with her elbow. Lala went into a spasm of self pity and pain and yelled with all her might. Poor mother came rushing. She took Lala in her arms but Lala would not be consoled. She swore that one of her ribs had been moved.

"It cannot dear. If a bone could move like that, you would not be in one piece. It will pain so much that you would have fainted", mother reasoned.

"I am in pain. What do you know", screamed Lala renewing her wails and groans.

Mother had to check Lala's ribs. And then poor mother's face fell. Sure enough, one of Lala's ribs seemed to protrude more than the rest. Did I tell you that Lala is by far the 'skiniest' that anyone in our family could ever achieve. She has long been the envy of her closest friends, even Tipsy. And in a household of not so skinny children, the skinniest is also by default the frailest, the weakest, the dearest, the most pampered i.e. before Po came, in a plump package, and drastically changed the family equation.

We each took turns at poking and feeling Lala's protruding rib while she sat there quite melancholic and martyred. Mother took the next day off and got an X-Ray done.

Ofcourse nothing was wrong! Doctor uncle prescribed tonics and mother kept Lala under close watch. She still does.

Finally Tipsy became a doctor. All the children except for Po have moved out of the house, pursuing careers. Lala stays close to where I stay while Tipsy is quite far away. We keep in touch through the telephone.

And then one day my phone rang. It was Lala.

"I have this gigantic growth inside one of my nostrils. It has greatly compromised my nasal passage on one side. Looks like a tumor of some sort. Do you think I should go for a biopsy?"

"Did you see an ENT?"

"What do they know. It is local cell growth. Definitely a cyst or tumor. I hope it is not malignant. I know all about them. I read about malignant cell division in my last semester".

I thought for a moment. "Well it could be you know. But you cannot get a biopsy done till your ENT specialist refers you to one. Why don't you call Tipsy. She is the doctor in the house".

"I'll do that. Bye". She hung up.

Then Tipsy called. "Lala sounds very ill. I have ruled out tumor but it can be an oedema or a polyp. Polyps spread. Oh God! Why don't you get her checked up". Mother called on the other line. I put Tipsy on hold and received mother's call.

"Lala sounds quite upset. You know how she is. Might be an allergy. Get her to go to an ENT. I want a report by the evening".

"Yes maam!" She hung up.

"Are you there? As I was saying, if it is a polyp, it will spread. I have treated so many of these cases. Oh and she is so thin. It will require surgery. But the scars remain...."

I hung up in disgust. Called Lala and shouted at the top of my voice. "GET TO AN ENT AND GIVE ME A REPORT BY THE EVENING!!!"

Meanwhile Tipsy called Dad. He called me to ask how Lala was. I said it was an allergy. He was satisfied. Then mother called and this time she was worried because Tipsy had called her too.

"I am really worried. Take her to the ENT yourself. Make sure he does all the tests. Why does it have to be my poor Lala?"

In the evening, Lala called. She was speaking through her nose.

"I have a migraine."

"What! What now?

"I went to the doctor. He said it is an allergic reaction. Quite common due to the pollution in Bangalore. He has given a spray. But I have a migraine. Too much stress. I don't even know if this anti-histamine is contraindicated in the case of migraine. What should I do? I think I will ask him again."

"Lala, you protruding rib, polyp a.k.a. allergy in the nose, affected insufferable hypochondriac. I shall pack you up in a parcel and send you back home".

"You are heartless".

The last time I spoke to her, just two days ago, she had a stomach ache. And I have just asked her to get a liver function test done.